Why I no longer call myself Mormon.

I received a message today from a friend who cared about me. As a former LDS (Latter-Day Saint or Mormon) I am fully aware that today, members of the LDS Church are gathering to watch the words of Church leaders broadcast to the world. Having attended countless such meetings, I know that my friend was inspired by the words he heard to reach out to me. I also know this means there was a talk about helping people who have lost their way. I am flattered to know that this friend thought of me, and chose to contact me. Let me start of by saying, I know he did so as an act of love. Let me also say, it didn't come across that way.

I understand a lot about the teachings of the LDS Church. I was raised in the Church since I was born. I eagerly attended Sunday meetings for most of my life. My family constantly  spoke about God, religion, and the world. When I was old enough to attend Seminary (four years of morning scripture classes) I was ecstatic. I was always the first to answer a question at church, and I was never ashamed to talk about the teachings of the LDS Church with the people around me. My greatest ambition in life was to serve an LDS mission, and I started attending preparation classes four years before I was old enough to go. My family has a rich heritage in the church, with patriarchs, bishops, and stake presidents. My father was the bishop of our local congregation when I left to serve a mission. I asked special permission to go through the Temple early so that I could visit the Temple with my family more often. I worked tirelessly on my mission to become the best missionary I could be. I worked so hard that it nearly killed me, and yet I tried not to complain. The saddest moment of my life was the day my mission ended. I struggled for years because of my health, and yet I kept holding onto the prayers that had been said for me. Of course everything would turn out right. But those sad feelings never left.

I was treated as a second rate citizen in a church that promoted love and community. Every time I went to church I was reminded about my failures. People would say one thing, but then do another. My life was in ruins and I only had my relationship with God to get me through it. I prayed, I begged for my God to show me love, to help me through, and I only found anger and loneliness. I couldn't talk to anyone around me, and it seemed as though God had abandoned me.

I continued to search for answers. I read the Bible in the hopes of finding some kind of peace. What I found would lead me further away from the LDS Church. I couldn't marry the church established by Jesus Christ, with the churches in the world around me. They all had become blinded by the wrong pursuits and had forgotten that life, is about love. That is why I stopped attending the LDS Church.

I was finally able to let go of all the things that were causing me pain. The days after I consciously chose to be responsible for my own thoughts were the happiest I had ever experienced. They still are. I can not honestly say that I was happier when I was a member of the LDS Church.

Most people in the Church, assume that when someone leaves the church that it is the work of Satan. You would only leave the Church because you want to sin. That is not the reason I left. I left because I was in pain and the only way to not feel it anymore was to leave. It was the hardest decision of my life. I knew that I would be giving up everything, and not least of all, I would hurt my family. I lost all of my friends because they could no longer see me as a person, but as someone that needed to hear the good news. People would always ask my parents, "what can we do to help Marley come back to church?". I love my parents, and they are some of the only people who didn't treat me differently. They continuously told people to be my friend, and to forget about getting me back to church. Sadly, this is nearly impossible for people to do.

My friendships before now, rarely involved discussions about the truthfulness of the LDS Church. I had friends who loved me because of our shared love of music, or books, people would ask me about my day with no agenda. Now I can see their brains trying to find a way to change our conversations to something Church related. I take hits from people who claim to love me, as they try to help me find my way back to church. They constantly ask me questions like "have you prayed?", like I have completely forgotten the lessons taught to me since childhood. Of course I have prayed. My life was in turmoil, I threw myself into prayer, trying to find answers. I'm sorry that I found answers that you can't accept. I am living my life the best way I can, and I defend your right to do the same.

I am forced to lie to the people I love, because I love them. I know that if I honestly shared my thoughts, it would hurt our relationship, and maybe their faith. I don't want to do that. I only want to love the people around me. From my experience, most people seem to think that love means making other people think like you. It doesn't. Love means accepting people, and loving them for all that they are. You may think that you are here to be an example, but by judging those around you, what kind of an example do you think you are setting? I would prefer to maintain my relationships rather than force my opinions on another. It is not fair that just because you think you are right, you can treat other people like they are stupid.

Why do you think you have the right to force your opinion onto someone else. What gives you the moral superiority to think that you are the only person who could possibly be right. Please if you honestly love me, or someone who is going through a similar experience, don't look for ways to fix my life. I happen to think my life is going pretty damn well. If you can't be happy for the decisions I have made, or am making, then you mustn't love me.